Parents' Words Can Alleviate Student Stress

by Denise Clark Pope and Jerusha Osberg
Originally posted on Nov. 28, 2006

What are your first words to your child after his or her day at school? We all know the overused "How was school today?" doesn't buy much.

"Fine."
"What'd you do?"
"Nothing."

So, perhaps instead you ask, "What grade did you get on the science test?" or "Did you get your English essay back?" or even "Have you done your homework yet?" Questions like these show that you're involved in your child's life and that you know what's going on, but they also may communicate a more harmful message, especially when they are the first questions asked at the end of the school day.

These kinds of queries suggest that you care more about grades and performance than you do about anything else that might have happened in school that day. Our children internalize the values we communicate. When we over-emphasize our children's performance in school - how they are doing - as opposed to what they are learning, they may become so concerned with their grades that they start to suffer from stomach aches, headaches, or sleep deprivation.

In our research, we have encountered self-proclaimed "robo-students" who are disengaged from learning; they memorize information for a test or a quiz, only to forget it all once they have regurgitated it for the teacher. We have also witnessed the disturbing effects of academic stress on students' mental and physical health. In our competitive society, stress seems pervasive. Certainly learning to cope with stress is an important part of growing up.

As parents, we should help our children develop these coping skills, rather than adding to the stress they already experience. As a family, try to define what you mean by "success" in school and the purposes of a good education. Try to keep a healthy perspective about your child's grades and school performance, and to emphasize that you value engagement with ideas and concepts more than rote learning. The questions we ask and the messages we convey remind our children what really matters most in their education.