Keeping the Lines of Communication Open

Originally posted Jan. 2, 2007
By Cynthia Klein, a Bay Area certified parent guidance specialist

"You don’t understand!"
"I don’t want to talk about it!"
"Leave me alone!"

If these declarations sound familiar, you are not alone. Most parents experience the brick wall that suddenly appears without warning. You can learn what triggers this and ways to keep the conversation flowing.

Get inside your preteen's mind to see life from their point of view. This is the road to changing the adult-preteen interaction. Let's look at a common homework problem, which is the preteen's to solve, to see how this works. If they are struggling with homework you may hear them say, "I just can't do this. It's too much, and I'm not going to do it!" This is the crucial point in which your choice of response can either create a supportive connection or enrage your preteen.

Do you say, "You have to do it," or "Why didn't you start earlier so you wouldn't have such a problem?" Or maybe you say "I'm sorry it's so hard."

The first two statements usually feel disrespectful to the preteen. The first one, a command, tells them that they don't have the right to decide how to handle their own problems. The second response, interrogating, implies that they must have done something wrong. When a preteen feels hurt, anger flares, the wall goes up, and each of you becomes frustrated.

The third comment will probably feel more loving to a preteen, which is what they need when frustrated. Other options that usually help them get through their stuck emotional place and think clearer are, "Hmm, I see," or "You’re really struggling with this," or maybe you simply put a loving hand on their shoulder and just listen.

Remember that adults always have the power to redirect a potentially explosive situation into an opportunity for closeness and growth with their preteen.